At a Loss
by KatieBoyle
Summary: She was furious, heartbroken and lost all in the same moment. Her breathing quickened, her legs started to shake and she didn't know what to do. "What happened, what happened Owen?" she demanded. "How could you let this happen?" Spoilers for Ep9 S8.


**At a Loss**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except for my laptop.**

**AN: Had to right this. The last episode was amazing, a blood bath but amazing.**

As she collapsed on the couch in the attending's lounge her head was spinning. The tears had not yet come, she was in shock. She didn't know what to do or how to react. Somehow she'd married a patient to provide him with insurance cover and had ended up finding her soul mate. Now he was gone.

Twenty minutes ago she'd left the OR on a high she'd saved the life of a woman with a screw in her heart and Henry was going to recover. All was well in Teddy's world shed found the woman's husband and son and told them the good news. She had made it through the surgery but it was a long road to recovery.

Then Owen had found her and her whole world began to crumble around her. He told her calmly what had happened, that Henry was gone. She was furious, heartbroken and lost all in the same moment. Her breathing quickened, her legs started to shake and she didn't know what to do. "What happened, what happened Owen?" she demanded. "How could you let this happen?" Her last question was squeaked out in a feeble voice as the enormity of the event began to hit her.

Owen tried to pull her in for a hug but Teddy pushed him away. "What happened to Henry, Owen? Yang did this procedure perfectly last week, I watched her."

"His tumour had eroded through his pulmonary artery, there was nothing we could do. As for Cristiana she is falling to pieces Teddy, I don't know how you could have asked her to do that." Owen looked hurt and lost himself but Teddy didn't think he had any right to. She didn't want to speak to him so she turned on her heel and walked away.

Here she was in the attending's lounge, alone. Guilt was eating her alive. It hadn't been time for him to leave, he was still so young. He had wanted to go to medical school and selfishly she'd fought with him over it. She hadn't wanted a med student for a husband but she would have given anything to have him back again. She put her head in her hands and tears began to roll down her face.

She heard the door creek open. "Owen," she said without looking up, "leave me alone."

Derek stared at her trying to decide whether to go away or to try and comfort her. He'd had quite a bit of experience with death in his life between his own near death experience and losing his father. He'd also had experience of losing people too: Zola, Amelia and now maybe even his Meredith. Just thinking of her he felt the tears prick at his eyes.

"Owen, just go." She looked up, her face red and her eyes puffy. "Shepherd, what are you doing here?"

"I know what it's like, you know, to lose someone my dad died when I was ten. Two people came into his store and tried to rob his watch. It was a gift from my mom and he refused to hand it over so they shot him. I was there with my five year old sister, I watched my father get shot. I've since lost aunts and uncles and last year my niece was killed in a car crash. Today, I found out that I've lost Zola forever; they're not giving her back to us. And I think I may have lost Meredith too." He paused, brushing tears from his face and breaking eye contact with Teddy. "She was on an ambulance rig that got stranded on route two and we lost contact. We hear a loud bang and they were gone. She was a sitting duck on a blind turn surrounded by oxygen tanks. I might have lost her too."

"Sit," Teddy said to him and Derek walked slowly, taking a seat on the couch opposite her. "I lost people in Iraq, friends, they were practically my family but even in with all that experience I don't know how to deal with it."

"No one does," Derek assured her.

"Thanks," she said, smiling weakly at him. "I appreciate the support." Derek nodded stiffly and sniffed. He made a move to leave but Teddy stopped him. "No stay, if you want to I mean, you're not bothering me. They'll call you when they know anything."

"Thanks," he said, "for the support. I suppose how you deal with it is you put one foot in front of the other."

"Baby steps."

"Yeh. Just keep going as best you can. Honour their memory that's all you can do."

"Henry told me yesterday that he wanted to go to medical school. I had a fight with him over it; told him he was crazy. I was selfish. I didn't want a husband who was a med student..." She trailed off, ignoring the tears streaming down her face.

"And now you'd give anything to have him back?"

"Yeh. Am I a horrible person, Derek?"

"No not at all. I had difficulties going out with an intern never mind a med student. And in the end, if it was what he wanted you would have let him do it Altman. You might have tried to talk him out of multiple times but you'd have let him do it. It doesn't make you a horrible person, it makes you normal.

"Thanks Derek."

"Any time Altman."

"Call me Teddy, anyone who has sat in front of me and relayed their experiences of death to me deserves to be on a first name basis."

"Thanks Teddy." Just then his phone rang. He picked it up quickly, throwing an apologetic glance in Teddy's direction. Her expression told him she understood.

"Derek?"

"Meredith," he said, relieved to hear her voice.

"I'm in an ambulance on my way to Seattle Grace; I should be there in about twenty minutes."

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine except for a few cuts and bruises," she said a slight irritation in her voice.

"Bye. I love you."

"I love you too." She hung up and Derek moved his phone from his ear. He looked to Teddy.

"Go," she told him.

"No I'll stay a while longer, if that's okay? She's not going to arrive for twenty minutes anyway."

"Thanks. I'm happy for you Derek."

"Thank you; remember I'm here for you if you need me."

"Thanks."

**So any thoughts?**

**X**

**Katie**


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